nightmares suck; partaking in the world leaders forum

woke up from a nightmare. i mean, could this have been at least another day, not the today when i have an important to me event?
nightmares suck because the last thing you want is to wake up alone. they suck because the next to last thing you want to do is to go back to sleep. and, in such a yucky manner my day is starting. at 4:50am, mind you. arg.
---
not only i got into the closed by-invitation-only lecture of Ukrainian Foreign Minister Yatseniuk, but also into the conversation between President Saakashvilli and President Ilves.

First of all, both presidents have a Western education. I think that is key to who they are. President Saakashvili started out with cracking jokes; he did not stop with that through the whole conversation, on the other hand answering every question exactly and to the point. Every single time he nailed down every answer with hard stats from the World Bank or other world-renowned agencies. He knew well what he was talking about. President Ilves was more philosophical and more superficial, but still knew well what he was speaking about. There was a lot of Russia bashing and praising of the Western ideas throught the whole conversation. Ilves even called to reading Locke, Hume and the rest of the crew in order to understand the idea of liberal democracy.

An hour later I listened to His Excellence Minister Yatseniuk speak. He also started with cracking jokes, even took off his tie as a joke, but unlike President Saakashvili spoke only in general terms. He spoke of all the great things, of course: “pro-Ukrainian foreign policy,” “implementation of unpopular reforms” etc etc, but I could not gather any actual substance. Though who am I to criticize?
I asked Minister Yatseniuk a question that has been resounding in different shapes around me for the past couple of months, but I don’t think I asked well because I did not get an answer. I mentioned both Saakashvili and Ilves speaking about staying out of the people’s way, only encouraging the population to be sensible citizens, entrepreneurs and what not. I mentioned Minister’s idea of a need for reforms and a need for the government to fix things. I tried to ask about whether the Minister saw the great need in encouraging the people to be engaged in all social, political and economical processes, encouraging bottom to top, rather than top to bottom change. The Minister gave me a generic answer about needing to implement reforms, and shunned me down saying that those are government’s jobs, the reform making and change initiating.
I came home very upset. Gosh, I cant even ask a question well. I made one conclusion, though: I need to learn, learn and learn some more. I need to learn how to be exact in what I say, I need to have a deeper understanding of the situations, beyond just reading news and hearing silly people talk about the events. Shortly, I want to grow up and be like Mr. Saakashvili.

... but funny enough, this is what we are writing about in our strategy plan with a great friend of ours, about the enlightened and engaged Ukrainians.
---
this nightmare thing totally knocked me out. yana says this has a meaning. i think that i dreamt this crap bcs yesterday i read way too much on wyeth's ponderings about death. whichever is correct, the job is done and i am startled. i want maja to come cuddle and sleep with me tonight. but that could only be in the perfect world. in my world i deal with my crap on my own.
---
the heaviness went on thru the whole day. i think when this mood comes upon me, it's like having a collapsing universe inside (yes, Mr. Hawking made a lasting impression). that's where the sucking emptiness combined with heaviness come from. who wants to read physics if there is a perfect way to experience a collapsing universe? i tell ya...

yep, it's a. it feels like a. or just a collapsing star. the mechanism is still the same.